Joe Pisani (opinion): Everything in America is being fun-sized to recoup lost profits from COVID. It's a conspiracy

Red, white and blue M&Ms in a U.S. flag decorated package.

Red, white and blue M&Ms in a U.S. flag decorated package.

AP

As I was wandering through Target, I passed a display of red, white and blue M&M’s on the Fourth of July, so I tossed a package in my cart even though I knew I’d have to listen to complaints about my cholesterol or my patriotism. Nowadays anything and everything is a potential argument in America.

(If my primary care physician is reading this: Doc, you can lecture me about my cholesterol when I come for my physical.)

For 33 years, Mars has been making red, white and blue M&M’s for presidential guests on Air Force One. They were created in 1988 for Ronald Reagan, and then Bill Clinton added the presidential signature to the package. Barack Obama gave them out but wouldn’t eat any, although Donald Trump enjoyed them, and Joe Biden recently got his personalized stash.

When I went home, I discovered my package was labeled “SHARING SIZE.” The executives at M&M apparently believe there are enough candies in a 10.7 ounce bag to permit sharing and that it’s unpatriotic for one person to eat them all, since they’re red, white and blue.

The company says the package has 11 servings of 32 pieces each, which according to my calculations can serve only half of President Biden’s Cabinet. Kamala Harris has to get her own.

I bet you didn’t know the “Fair Packaging Act” of 1967 made it illegal to misrepresent package sizes. That probably means someone from the National Security Agency is policing the M&M’s factory to make sure they put 352 M&M’s in the bag to qualify as “sharing size.” Your tax dollars at work.

And for all we know, there are hundreds of federal agents snooping around to ensure that citizens who bought a “sharing size” bag of M&M’s are indeed sharing. If not, they’ll put a note in your FBI file and confiscate your candy. No warrant required.

Biden should issue an executive order, creating a national sharing policy to unite Democrats and Republicans and distribute red, white and blue M&M’s to red states and blue states. As the song says, “Everybody get together, try to love one another right now!”

Actually, I don’t care what your political affiliation is. I’m an independent and don’t want to share. Sharing is vastly overrated. I remember when I was in college and had to begrudgingly share a pizza with my friends. Even though I pretended to share, I was actually calculating whether they ate more pieces than I did.

If we had a six-pack, I’d snatch the last can of Budweiser when no one was looking. I wasn’t about to ask, “Does anybody want that?” because somebody might say “yes.” So much for sharing and caring.

My idol is the great presidential cheapskate Calvin Coolidge. In his honor, I urge M&M’s to create a “hoarding size” or “stingy size” for people who want to eat them all and not have some grubber take what’s rightfully ours. It’s a good thing Coolidge never had presidential M&M’s. There’d be only five in the box, and I’m sure he wouldn’t share them. Connecticut Gov. Wilbur Cross once said Coolidge “never let loose a nickel unless he had to.”

President Coolidge would have loved the “fun size.” Fun size candy is so small it turned Halloween into a tapas party. You need seven or eight KitKats to equal one of the candy bars we got as kids, which were the “cavity-producing size.”

Something is seriously wrong when the packaging weighs more than the candy. This is a sustainability issue, not to mention a Constitutional issue. It should be illegal to gyp kids out of candy that’s rightfully theirs. There’s no fun in “fun size.”

My theory is that everything in America is being fun-sized to recoup lost profits from COVID. We’re paying higher taxes and our services are being “fun sized.” We’re paying more at restaurants, and we’re getting fun-sized portions of pasta and pork fried rice, not to mention fun-sized salads or no salads at all. How about some rolls once in a while?

Now that our legislators have legalized marijuana, you can be sure they’ll want to put weed in “fun size” packages and tax the heck out of it. It’s the American way. Won’t that be fun?

And Connecticut is probably already scheming to have cannabis dealers develop a “sharing size” so there can be plenty of taxable toking for everyone in our state, along with New York and Rhode Island.

Joe Pisani can be reached at joefpisani@yahoo.com.